How to be Happy and True

Dear Katie,

I missed you this morning. You slept from 7:40 last night until 7:15 today, and although it was wonderful to have a peacefully sleeping house (save the middle-of-the-night coughing fits from your sick daddy), I really, really missed you.

Recently you’ve been waking up in the six o’clock hour, which is hard on me. I have to nurse you and talk to you and keep you entertained all while drying my hair, getting dressed and putting on makeup. I feel rushed, and on most days, unkempt. But today, I had the luxury of time, and I realized that what I really wanted was a few extra moments with you.

I just love you so much, Katie. I tell your daddy that every day, and I keep waiting for him to tell me he “gets it” in such a way that would imply I need to stop with the gushing. But he never does, and that’s because he loves you that much, too. What surprises me is that I love you a little more every day, and every day I think that there’s no way I could love you more the next day because my heart would burst. I’m wrong every day.

Someone recently described you as a “charmer,” and I don’t think there could be a better description. You have a magnetic personality, Katie. You’re a relatively serious baby, and it’s clear to us that you’re a deep thinker, but you have a way of flashing a smile or letting out a happy squeak or even giving a big, slobbery, open-mouthed baby kiss at just the perfect time to illicit a huge, enthusiastic response from your audience.

I’m so proud to be your mama, and right now, I only have two wishes. One is that I never fail you as a mama and that I meet your needs along the way. The other is that you grow up to have a baby and the opportunity to experience this pure joy. This delight. This bliss.

So tomorrow, if you wake up in the six o’clock hour, I’ll remind myself not to feel rushed or frustrated but to cherish the extra time with you.

I love you so much and can’t imagine loving you more, but I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.

With pounding pride and endless gratitude,

Mama

Project: Baby Blog: 'How We Eat' Giveaway!

Holy Toledo!

projectbabyblog:

Yay! Giveaway time! I’m really excited about this one (when am I not?).

Tinsley never took a bottle = Mama never got a break. We’re at 7+ months and still going strong, but luckily, the nursing has backed off to about 5-6 times a day and I have only one thing to thank for that:

FOOD….

I tried to write a post some time ago about the difficulties I had breastfeeding Katie in her early days. Something wonky happened with Tumblr and the thoughtfully crafted post died. I’ll resurrect some of that post here and incorporate some new thoughts on breastfeeding.

It.is.so.hard. I mean, physically, it’s a lot easier now, but I still worry about it every damn day. In many ways, I’m envious of mothers who bottle feed because I assume there’s much less worry involved. For starters, Katie was a very sleepy eater in her early days. Every time I got her up against me to nurse, she’d fall asleep. We’d tickle her feet, strip her down to her diaper and put cold cloths on her back; it was torture. She’d scream and fuss, take two more swallows and then fall back to sleep. Every feeding session took an hour, maybe an hour and a half, and the poor baby was still dropping weight.

She was born at 7 lbs, 6 oz, and her lowest documented weight was 6 lbs, 7 oz. One pediatrician was concerned she was bordering on dehydradtion. Because she wasn’t eating when she was put to the breast, my supply started to go away, and I could feel the whole breastfeeding experience slipping away from me. My one post-partum break down came exactly one week after she was born. I was distraught… sobbing on the phone to a lactation consultant who said, “I think it’s time you try formula.” I got off the phone and blubbered to my husband, “It’s bad. A lactation consultant, who’s supposed to be the biggest supporter of breastfeeding, is telling me to give her formula.” He encouraged me to call my mom, who made it to our house within five minutes of the call. They both told me that I could do it. That I would be successful with breastfeeding. But they also wove in messages that “formula feeding isn’t the end of the world.” They were right, and that feeling of failure that I had felt for days was beginning to wane ever-so-slightly.

We decided we’d stick with the plan recommended by the pediatrician for a little while longer – nurse Katie, even if it takes an hour and a half, and then supplement her with formula after each attempted feeding. That meant that I/we were spending half to two-thirds of our day trying to feed our baby. It was exhausting. We made one more distressed trip to the pediatrician on a Saturday morning, eight days after she was born. The pediatrician encouraged me to pump after every attempted feeding, so that became our new routine. I’d nurse Katie as best I could, the whole time tickling feet and putting wet wash cloths on her head and back. Then I’d pump while my husband supplemented her with formula. We did this all day and all night… after every single feeding.

After two days of pumping after every feeding, I began to actually see milk in the bottom of the bottle. I was pumping and ending up with dry bottles, but I started to collect a half ounce at a time, which was enough for us to supplement Katie with breast milk from a bottle instead of formula. Over the weeks, that half ounce turned into an ounce, then two. My supply was back and I was so relieved. After close to a month, I gradually started dropping my pumping sessions so that I wouldn’t have to feel like a dairy cow day and night. Katie was putting on weight, and by her one month appointment, she was 8 lbs, 8 oz. The pediatrician actually congratulated me on her weight gain. I was so relieved.

But because we had such a rough first experience, I still worried at every feeding. I’m pretty sure I force fed her (trying to convince her to take just a liiiiitle more) until she was about three months old. Then a whole new set of concerns appeared – will she take a bottle? Now it takes an hour and a half for her to take a bottle, and she has to start daycare in two weeks. Will the ladies at daycare stick with it, or will they give up on feeding her? If we go out one night, will she go to sleep after a bottle or does she need the experience of nursing to help her sleep? Etc. etc.

Katie is almost six months old now, and I still worry every day about my supply. I pump three times a day at work, and I usually pump a total of 20-25 oz each day. If I’m ever shy of 20 oz, I FREAK OUT that my supply is diminishing. I always remind myself that it’s natural… we’re doing some solid foods now, so it will be OK, but I’m still just so emotional about this breastfeeding thing. Last night it took a really long time for my milk to let down, and it was really pissing Katie off. I freaked out then and assumed that I’m running out of milk because it took a few extra minutes. I can’t relax. I’m trying to get myself to a place where I’m at ease, but I’m struggling with that. I often think that if we had gone with formula, I would be past all of this worry, and things would be a lot easier.

I’m so thankful for having the experience of breastfeeding my child. I wouldn’t change it. We’ve both benefited from it in major ways, but I need to chill the hell out. I have a freezer FULL of frozen milk. If I stopped breastfeeding today, we could probably make it two months on the frozen milk alone. I plan to continue breastfeeding until she’s completely on solids and can accept cow’s milk, but if something happens to my supply, we have frozen milk to fill in. If I’ve overestimated how much frozen milk we have, we’ll fill in with formula, and you know what – that’s OK. Formula is made to nourish babies, and formula feeding babies thrive in all the same ways that breast feeding babies do, complete with round bellies and chunky thigh rolls.

Breastfeeding should be the most natural experience in the world, but it’s not. I would never cast judgment on bottle feeding mamas. In fact, in many ways, I’m jealous of the freedom it allows, and I’m pretty sure I’d be less of a mess if we bottle fed. What’s most important is that our babies have full bellies and hearts, and I’m happy to report that Katie seems pretty satisfied in both of those areas.

Now I’m off to wash my pump parts before I have to pump again… (not washing pump parts is also a benefit to bottle feeding!)

I’ve been in a bit of a blogging funk recently. Guess it might be indicative of a larger funk. It’s funny… everything is fine day-to-day. We have a great routine with Katie, and I feel like we’ve gotten pretty good at juggling a baby, work, each other and the house. But I’ve had a lot of “big picture” things on my mind recently.

My husband isn’t content with his career as a teacher. He doesn’t make much money, there isn’t a lot of room for upward mobility, he works 60 hours a week (AP English)… he’s feeling more and more like if he’s going to have to work 60 hours a week, he might as well be working in a field that will pay better. But, he’s conflicted because he’s passionate about education. He’s trying to decide if he wants to pursue administration or perhaps a position with the department of public instruction… or does he just want to get out of that field all together.

One opportunity that he does have is to take over his dad’s business. His dad is a used car salesman. Did you grimace? He kind of grimaces at that idea, too. His dad has a relatively successful dealership, and I think my husband would enjoy running his own business, but I know he’d absolutely hate the work. He’s the type of person who needs pretty consistent intellectual stimulation, and I don’t think that would give it to him. I’m afraid that he’d be unhappy pretty quickly in that position, but selfishly, I can’t stop thinking about him taking over the car lot because maybe, just maybe, that would give me the chance to stay at home with Katie and any future children.

Realistically, that’s probably not a possibility. I couldn’t stay at home unless he had an income greater than what the two of us combined make right now. The economy is still in the tank, and I know it would take years for the car lot to do well enough for me to be able to stay home. But I get up every morning and think Maybe I won’t have to do this forever. I don’t even know if I can do this forever. I kind of hate this.

If he doesn’t work at the car lot, he’ll have to go to grad school, which will put us into debt. His happiness is very important to me, so we’ll find a way to work it out, but the idea of being $50,000 or more in debt with a baby, a mortgage and other bills (including daycare) really frightens me.

Anyway, that’s where my head has been lately. I should have been using Tumblr as an outlet, but instead, I’ve just kind of recoiled.

On the baby news front, she’s amazing. Five and a half months old with two teeth, a big belly, chunky thighs and the cutest chuckle in the history of the world. She’s eating home-prepared carrots, sweet potatoes, peas and green beans these days. She’s happy for more hours of the day than she’s fussy now, which has made things so much more fun for us.

I miss her every second. I wish I could kiss that belly all damn day.

I just dripped milk all over the outside of my bra, and now I’m going to have two wet spots on my chest for the rest of the day at work. I was getting the pump set up, and I guess now my milk lets down when I see the pump instead of when I see the baby. I pulled the flaps of the nursing bra down and couldn’t get the pump horns on fast enough… drip drip drip, milk all over the bra. Fantastic.

I had to go get Katie from daycare yesterday because she was running a fever. Katie’s first fever. Poor thing. She seemed so miserable for a few hours, but she bounced back like a boss. She didn’t have a fever when we put her to bed last night, nor did she have a fever this morning, so I took her back to daycare today. Here’s to hoping I don’t get another phone call today; that’s the one number you NEVER want to see on your phone because you know it’s not good news.

I am SO damn excited to have four days off with my girl. I’ve done really well being back at work, but I miss her all the time. Four days is going to be amazing. I’m gonna have to fight with my family to have a chance to hold her, though.

I’m really, really hoping we get out of work early today. I’m twidling my thumbs and staring at the clock.

Can’t wait for Thanksgiving goodness and uninterrupted baby time!

One more for good measure…

It’s a dreary day here in Raleigh, and I miss my girl something fierce. There’s not a whole lot going on at work, and it’s a frustrating feeling to know that there’s not a thing to do, but you’re required to be here until 5. It’s cold and rainy… don’t you know I could be snuggling with my baby right now?!Oh well, whatcanyado?

My husband and I are going out without Katie tomorrow night. We’re celebrating a friend’s birthday, and although I’m really looking forward to it, I’m a little stressed about leaving Katie. My parents are coming over to watch her, which is wonderful, but the last time they babysat, she wasn’t sleeping at all at night. Now she routinely goes down between 8 and 9 and sleeps until about 7. It’s amazing, but no one else (not even my husband) has ever put her to bed. I know my mom will do a great job, but I’m a little worried that her routine will be thrown off, and she’ll wake up through the night, then have a fussy day the next day, etc. I think I’m most concerned about the feeding part… she falls asleep nursing every night, which I love, but obviously my mom can’t nurse her, so she’ll get a bottle before bed. I wonder if she’ll drift off as easily and be as full/content. There’s only one way to find out, and worst case scenario, we have a baby who’s still awake when we get home. No big deal, right? Eeek.

We get a “Cuddlegram” from daycare every day. They keep track of her diapers, naps, meals, etc. There’s a spot for them to indicate whether she was happy, sleepy, fussy or other each day. They marked Katie as fussy yesterday, and it totally bummed me out! Like my kid came home with a bad report card or something. Obviously I wasn’t upset with her, but I just wanted to know exactly what had happened yesterday and what exactly she did to earn the fussy mark. I know that’s crazy, and I never would have expected myself to react that way, but I did. When I went in this morning I said, “So Katie was fussy yesterday?” And one of the ladies said, “Yeah, a little.” I thought maybe she was downplaying the fussiness for my benefit, but then another Mom walked in behind me and basically said the same about her son, and that same lady said, “Oh yes… he was REALLY, REALLY fussy yesterday. He did that scream-for-no-reason thing you warned us about on his first day.” It made me feel so much better to know that A) she wasn’t the only fussy baby B) she wasn’t the fussiest and C) they’re being honest with us; a little fussy means a little fussy. It’s not the end of the world. I also felt reassured when I told them my husband and I were going out this weekend. The other lady asked who was taking care of Katie, and I told her my parents. She said, “I want to babysit you, Katie. If I babysat you I could hold you and spoil you, and I don’t get to do that as much here. I love to cuddle you, pretty girl.” Awww. I feel so fortunate to have Katie at this daycare.

Here are a couple of recent pictures of my girl!

I’ve been away from Tumblr for a long time. I selfishly spent every moment I could enjoying my daughter before returning to the office. I had a total of 12 weeks at home - I didn’t even have to think of the office for the first 8 weeks, and I worked from home for the last 4. Fortunately, my boss is a very “family first” person, and she took it easy on me while I worked from home, allowing me the opportunity to spend some extra quality time with Katie.

I took Katie to day care for the first time yesterday. I was so proud of myself. She had everything she needed, including pictures for the family poster they put above her crib. I thought about it very logistically because I knew what would happen if I thought about it emotionally, and I really didn’t want to go down that road. I had a lump in my throat the entire time I was explaining Katie’s routines (lack of) and preferences to the day care ladies. But I made it. I walked out of there without shedding a tear. I let two tears go on the way to work, but then I made myself snap out of it. I did that several times through the day as my eyes started to well, and I began to wonder if Katie was crying, if she was getting enough attention, if she took the bottle, etc., etc.

Then I called day care to check on her.

Big Mistake.

I could hear her screaming the entire time I was on the phone with her teacher. The teacher was very, very nice and said all the right things, but she asked a few questions that led me to believe Katie had been screaming all day, like “Is Katie used to crying herself to sleep?”

I lost it. I broke down crying. I went into my boss’ office, shut the door, and boo-hooed to her. She told me to leave. “Get out. You’re not going to be worth a damn the rest of the day anyway.” I love my boss.

I raced to day care, crying the whole way. I walked in apologizing to the ladies. “No, that’s what we do. No need to apologize.” They assured me that she had really done pretty well during the day. She had some rough moments, but that’s typical. “There have been plenty of other babies who have had worse first days and are doing great now.” That’s what they told me, and that’s exactly what I needed to hear.

Katie was asleep when I got there, which was a huge relief to me. She was hungry when she woke up, and I had just pumped, so I gave her a bottle. I sat in the rocking chair, feeding my baby, watching the teachers play with the other kids, and talking to them about some of the things they do in the nursery. It was exactly what I needed. They are amazing. I left feeling encouraged and so relieved that we chose a day care laid back enough to let me come in and stay for an hour even though I was sobbing for part of that time. They want the best for my child, and they want the best for me, and I know they’re going to do everything they can to make sure our baby is happy.

I left her this morning without a lump in my throat. She smiled, I smiled, and I feel so much less anxious about the day.

One thing’s for sure - I am NOT calling to check on her. I told them I trusted that they would call me if they had any concerns and I would assume no news is good news. They assured me they’d call if they needed to, gave me a hug and told me to have a good day.

So far so good!

…I do really miss my days at home with my baby, though. OK, there’s the lump in my throat…

Which is exactly how much baby weight I still had to lose, but unfortunately, it’s not how I wanted to lost it. I had the stomach bug… it came out both ends all day (sorry), and I was miserable. My sweet mom took off work to help with Katie. I couldn’t be away from the bathroom long enough to breastfeed her, so I pumped bottles and my mom fed her. My OB called in a prescription for anti-nausea meds that were safe for me and for Katie, and that helped. I am exhausted and weak today, but most of all, thankful that it’s over. I’m hoping to gain a few of those pounds back just by being able to hold down liquids today. Katie’s napping. I’m going to try to do the same.

I was about halfway throught my post about breastfeeding when it somehow got deleted. Did becoming a mother affect my ability to competently use the computer? Perhaps. I just turned into one of those people I used to secretly shake my head at. It “somehow got deleted.” Riiiiight.

I’ll try again another time, but here’s the bottom line: It’s hard! Though it’s much easier now.

And just for fun, here’s a picture of Katie’s socks from the first day of college football. I went to N.C. State, and my husband went to UNC, so she had to represent both schools on the first day of the season.